Reminder 101

It's been so long since the last time I've written on this blog. It felt like I have completely abandon this page already. But that's not the case, ofcourse. I was blogging on Wordpress, too. So there's that. I also keep a journal. That's another thing. And I've been sick for the longest time. So there. I decided to post so to let you know that this blog is not dead. I may be dying but it doesn't mean I will have to completely give up on something that keep me sane.

untitled 10:03 am

This blog is not dead. I am still the same old inconsistent theorist  I have always been. But I have nothing to talk about for now. So see you later.

moving out, and more

Today is my last day at work. No, I will not be having my rest days the day after or be on leave. I am officially out of this mess. Work, that is. It's already the effectivity date of my resignation. Technically, it should be tomorrow, but because it's a bank holiday, I don't have to be here. I feel good about leaving this time, unlike my seperation with the previous companies I had worked with. I have a lot of friends, and crushes, here but the want to leave is too much to even consider them. I feel free now. I am scheduled for a final interview tomorrow. That I am looking forward to. I hope I make it though. If not, then so be it. I have decided not to overthink things out days ago. I'm sticking to it. If I can give myself a pat at the back, I would have done it already. I actually can, but I don't want to look ridiculous.

tree of life, and the sadness that lingered

I want to see Tree of Life. Again. Now. Sure, watching it made me cry, and the sadness that came with it lingered. Until now. I still feel it. Everytime I think of the movie, and the scenes I love in it, I'd feel bad. Sometimes it's not just sadness. It's something different. Something I don't know what to call, or name. What's weird is that I don't think I totally get what the movie really was about. I have things in mind but it could be different from what the writer has in his. However, I felt it. My heart understood.

untitled 6:55PM

For the nth time, I would just like to write about how much I hate my job. It's just an easy job. It pays well. I get to buy things I like and help my family financially. But it's what I do when I'm working that I hate the most. Listening to people complain when I have so much on my plate already makes me sick. Others just don't complain, like it's not enough for one to take. They blame you. Now, my managers, both at present and in the past, would always tell me to not take it personally. I can't help it though. And now, I'm planning to go back to school this June. Extra pressure. If I stay in this job while studying, I might as well just kill myself. This is a thought that comes to mind everytime I think about it. But I need a degree to get out of this mess. A mess I, partly, created for myself. And everytime I try to think of the best way to free myself from all of this craziness, there's only one thing that I really want to do: Go home.

just sayin'

So a friend started blogging again here, Blogger. In Filipino. Or make that Taglish (Tagalog-English), which is kind of awesome because Taglish, for me, is cool. I have always wanted to do it myself, blogging in Filipino. I had started and actually posted some entries already, but it didn't quite feel right then so I deleted them. I don't think I will ever try again. I don't get the same feeling when writing in Filipino as when reading something written in the said language.

in exactly 3 hours and 34 minutes

As always, life is boring. Nothing interesting had happened in the past weeks that's life changing. I had coffee with a friend last saturday, this time at SB. Their Cafe Latte tasted like that of Starbucks, which makes sense. I am supposed to write how awesome I feel that my rest day will officially start in just a few hours. Suddenly, though, it doesn't feel as exciting as it felt a few minutes ago. Weird. But then again, I am an inconsistent theorist. It shouldn't be so surprising.

the inconsistent is back part III

But it doesn't feel right posting the same post I had posted on my other blog. I mean what's the sense of maintaining two blogs with the same content? I could just delete my other blog and continue blogging here, but I can't just do it. The other blog, where I have been actively blogging for months now, contains not just words but my thoughts and feelings. It's me. I guess I'll stop overthinking about this whole blogging thing. Besides I have so many things to do. I havent finished reading the novel I started few years ago. And there's TV.

And this is me talking to myself.

a place where i belong

I suddenly miss my niece, Thea. She’s my everything. I love her to death and I’d die for her. I haven’t seen her in such a long time though. I haven’t been home for months now. I don’t want to go home yet. Not now. I wanted to be with my family so badly but the thought that I might not be able to come back here (the city) is stopping me from spending time with them. I work here and I just can’t give my work up.

Every time I’m there, home, I just couldn’t think of any other place I want to be at but there. I remember being absent from work a couple of times on the first day of the work week after my two-day off. It has always been a struggle to force myself back to the city. Always. And I’ve been avoiding that for the longest time now. That pains me more than anything else in the world.

the inconsistent is back part II

I actually had written one fiction in Tagalog here last night. I posted it. I saved it as draft just now. I don't think it was such a good idea, me writing in Filipino. It even sucks more than me writing in English. What I'll do is that I'll post whatever I'm posting in Wordpress here starting today. Those that I had posted already on my other blog will stay and be left there. I don't want to do a manual transfer.

not now, not yet.

I tried the plan. It failed even before I started. Tagalog fiction I could try. Will probably just do that instead of sharing my thoughts and experiences. Will post my first Pinoy fiction really soon. I hope the interest wouldn't fade, as it always does with so many other things I've tried in the past.

the inconsistent is back

I've been actively blogging with Wordpress for the past weeks. Just recently though, I realized that I prefer Blogger over it. I asked a friend if he knows how to import entries from my other blog in here. He didn't think Blogger has that option. Or the other way around. Now if I really want to transfer all my posts from Wordpress, I would have to do it manually. And I'm not doing it.

I have come up with the idea of continuing to blog here. In Filipino. I have always wanted to try it, blogging in Filipino. The only thing that gets in the way of me starting doing it is the fact that I'm not good in expressing myself in the said language. And this is not to say that I'm good in doing so in English or any other language.

So the next post will already be in Filipino. When will the next post be, I don't have any idea.

the why's and others

I just hate it when I am about to make a decision that I am not even sure would work for the best. A lot has to be considered. Why is it that we can't make our decisions by just basing on our own happiness. Why do we have to consider other people's take on things that we get ourselves into? Why do we consider their happiness as well? Can we just do it for ourselves? Can we just be happy without having to worry about others? I know I have the answers to these questions. Then why do I have to ask them? Why?

blogging is still cool

The last time I have written anything in here, or have written anything at all, was last July. That's three months. Have my life been that boring? A little, maybe.

Today, I have, once again, seen Julie and Julia. I still love it after the third viewing. My BFF loved it, too. It was my second time when I watched it with her. We were texting earlier while I'm watching the movie. She said that it's the best movie she has seen so far this year, and that she wants to watch it again some other time.

I replied by saying that one of my reasons in staying with the job I can't stand is for us to be able to watch more movies, especially now that the Oscars is nearing.

Adventureland

Watching Adventureland makes me believe that love can fix anything; that everything will be alright for as long as you are inlove with someone who actually loves you back. It gives me hope that someday, and I hope this does not take that long, I will be able to meet someone I can fall in love with inspite of the person's imperfections. When I write imperfections, that includes the person's past - which could turn out to be as dark as you can imagine. You will love that person because there's nothing that would feel right other than doing so.

leaving

They took the same way when they went home after rendering post shift over time for four hours. Both felt wasted from over working. Although, in reality, they did not do anything for the entire four hours other than waiting for their shift to end. They were silent while walking side by side on the sidewalk. Only the sound of the passing cars kept the awkwardness of their silence from being noticed.

When are you leaving?, John asked.

On the 7th, he replied.

They went on walking.

Why are you leaving anyway?

Because of you, he joked.

This is all your fault. Then he smiled when he saw John smiled.

Then they were silent again for a few minutes.

Is it?, John asked when they were about to part ways. John will have to cross the street to get a cab home.

I'm sorry?

Is it? Is it really my fault?

He just smiled and hailed a taxi.

Don't be late tomorrow, he said and went inside the cab.

The taxi went off. He looked back and saw John still standing on the same spot where he left him. John's image was vague from a distance, but he was certain that the man standing on that very spot is the man he fell in love to.

on sedaris

I have been reading some of Sedaris' works that were featured on The New Yorker. I can't help but admire the man's craft. His ability to express what it is he expresses defines him as a person. And he does express himself in such a way that touches one's heart, and awakens one's love and respect for literature. His language is easy on the eyes. He grabs one's attention by his prose.

Is he really, like, gay?

status: complicated

Funny when we notice how people complicate things. We always have a say on what should be or should have been done, and what should have not been done at all. We tend to act learned. Experts. But when the situation strikes and we find ourselves a part of the complication, we forget. And when advised to keep things simple, we tend to think they don't understand. It's complicated, we tell them. Just like in love, the more you fall to it, the comlicated it gets. We still love inspite of this. It hurts, yes. So what?

love is.

He is rather early for work today. As a matter of fact, he is three hours early. He buys a pack of cigar at a convenient store located on the ground floor, just beside the entrance of their office. Office. Such a funny word to describe the place where he is working at. At least for him it is. He decides to go straight up to the roof deck. What a great way to start the day than damaging your lungs some more, he thinks. He takes one stick and lights it up.

His heart starts beating really fast when he recognizes the person approaching him. It's M. He got this thing for the guy. And M knows it. M is the code he uses at the office so that not everybody would know who it is he has a crush on.

M lights his cigarette up and puffs the first smoke in a manner so seductive he can kill someone by it. But it is not M intention to seduce him. Or anybody for that matter. That he knows.

Why are you here so early, M asks.

To see you, he replies. Then they both laugh.

Seriously, he added after awhile.

The subtlety of how he expresses what's real, as they both know it, makes them laugh again.

duplicity.

The first scene was so beautiful. We see Tom Wilkinson and Paul Giamatti, shouting at each other at first then on a fist fight. Then I realized Elwsit photographed it. Robert Elswit is one of the many people I truly admire. He knows what he is doing, and he is doing it with such brilliance. I wonder if I can be that kind of person. Someone who is sure with what he wants (to do) and can do it with a heart. With love. With passion. I wonder when it will happen to me, or if it will ever happen at all.