Monday, April 20, 2009

i am not there

I am not there
but I see you, I hear you, I feel you.
I am not there
but you are here in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
I am not there
but you linger in my dreams, in my memory, in my pain.
I am not there.
I am not there.
But I am here loving, living, and waiting.
I am here.
I am ready.
I am here.
Hear.


untitled

It’s already past eight in the evening when he checked the clock that has been hanging on the wall behind the counter where the reservation for billiard tables takes place, and where he had been assigned when he had worked here, while studying at the same time, some two years ago. And if his estimation was correct, he had been here for more than thirty minutes already, waiting for him. He might not be coming afterall, he thought. It’s pretty much what he would have expected, if he was expecting anything at all. But he’ll stay and wait for him here until the place closes. It was his idea to meet him at Enricos’, a place usually frequented by college students after school, and which is usually full on Saturdays that the owner had to make a sign and post it outside the door to let those who were coming in that there’s no more room inside and to just come back later.

Five minutes later Lex arrived, wearing the usual smile he had been known for, the sweet and sincere one, and though this time it seemed unfamiliar to Alan, or distant, or that something felt off with it, he smiled back at him.

I’m glad you made it. I thought you’re not coming, Alan said, holding a can of soda in one hand and a cue stick on the other. Thanks, he continued.

No problemo, Lex replied, grabbing the stick from Alan’s grip. I don’t have anything to do, anyway.

They were childhood friends, Alan and Lex. They are still friends, Alan believed. But it has been a week that they haven’t talk to each other. No phone calls. No nothing. If Alan hadn’t seen him at school yesterday, and not asked him to meet tonight, this set up may took another week. Or months. Or years, maybe. Nobody can tell for sure. Funny how something so strong, something you thought is that strong, could collapse in just a blink of an eye just because of a stupid mistake. Something that can’t be un-done. It can happen even with friendship. Theirs was on the process of collapsing. One of them, atleast, thought so.

Haven’t you talk to her yet? Alan finally asked.

Who?

Lisa.

Nope. I don’t think it would be a great idea, I mean talking to her. He said, shifting his attention to Alan. And can we not talk about it, about her.

He wasn’t bitter. Not at all. He just didn’t like to talk about her or see her, that’s all. And he’s not blaming her for all of this. Not anymore. Things happen, sometimes, for no reason at all. They just happened. Like what Alan told him. His friend, for the life of him, didn’t even know why he did what he did, kissing her. His girl. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, and that he didn’t mean for all of this to happen. But what happened happened. He didn’t even asked any question about it, Lex. It’s too much to discuss, the situation.

They’ve been silent for a while. Lex seemed to be more focused in playing billiards , which both he and Alan knew he hated before, than the conversation itself. But Alan didn’t mind it.

I’ve talked to her yesterday, Alan said. I was on my way to my chem class when I saw her. She’s a mess now. You can tell if you’ve seen her. She told me she missed you, and that she was sorry too.

Did she asked you to tell me that? Tell her I’m flattered.

No, no. She didn’t. I thought you should know. Talk to her.

Silence.

Look, it was my fault. I’m really hoping we can talk about it, of what happened. I’m.. I am really sorry. I should have never done it. I know it’s too late, and that I couldn’t change what happened or turn back time. I feel stupid for doing what I’ve done.

Silence again. Lex heard him ofcourse but his attention was still fixed on the table where balls of different colors were waiting for him, for his next move.

I’m sorry. Alan said again.

Lex looked at him for a moment, smiled and after a few seconds, went on playing.

I know, he said before hitting number 7.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

that familiar feeling

Yesterday, after watching 17 Again (I am surprised the movie turned out to be good, and that Efron can really act), I felt a very strange feeling. It was, and still is, strange it gives me a headache. The last time I felt this was when I was still with my previous work. I never thought I would feel it again. And I did. The good thing is that I don't feel lost this time, as I did before. On the contrary, I feel really good. I feel alive again.

But ofcourse, there's still tomorrow.

Monday, April 13, 2009

and i mean love

Every time I look at M's eyes, I can't help but smile and fall in love even more. M just has this power (or whatever you call it) that weakens me. Everytime. So I guess it is really love I am feeling. I am still trying to think that it's not, and obviously, I am not so successful in doing so. Now M is seated a few bays away from me and I am having a hard time concentrating. I am losing my focus.

On a completely different note, I am so fucking in love with Amy Winehouse's Take the box. For me, it is the best break up song. Ever. But I may not have totally understood what Amy has in mind when she sang it. So I can't really be sure that it is a break up song. Anyway, it is so genuine. It is indeed true that when Amy sings about love, she means every word she sings. And I love her for that. No matter how fucked up her life has become, she has it with her.

(See her live performance of the said song at BBC One Sessions on YouTube and feel her)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

when it hurts so bad

So I am inlove. For the nth time. I'm trying to think that it's something else; something that could be mistaken as love but, in reality, is nothing in comparison with the said emotion. Ofcourse I was just hoping. The truth is I am really in love. Or atleast it feels like I am.

Normally, one becomes inspired when inlove. He or she tends to see only the beauty of a bad day, the light in the darkness. They tend to be manipulated by that strong emotion that they only see the other side of things.

Ofcourse this does not happen to me. I tend to feel otherwise. I tend to feel depressed. I feel like I shouldn't feel the love in the first place; that I am feeling the wrong kind of love for the wrong person. Most of the time, I try to just end the feeling, and most often than not, I fail in doing so. My friends would advise me to just let it be, to just feel it and get along with it. This way, it wouldn't hurt as bad, and wouldn't be as difficult to deal with. Those are just words, ofcourse. We all know that things are easier said than done. Experience taught us this. All the time.

And although I don't like the feeling of being inlove, and that I am very vocal on how much I want to stop it whenever I feel it, deep inside, and I am very certain about this, I want it. Because in all honesty, when it hurt so bad, sometimes, it really feels so good.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

that road

Last month, I forced Nelmar, a friend of mine, to watch Revolutionary Road once it becomes available on the big screen here in the city. We both have seen the movie through our so called resources. I loved it right away on first viewing, and I was confident it would win major awards. Nelmar loved it, too, but not as much as I did. I wanted to still see it on the big screen because I thought it would be a totally different experience.

And it was. It was amazing. I loved it even more. (As a matter of fact, I am considering it to be my new number one. But there's Frost/Nixon, and not to mention my old favorites, so I am trying not to think so much about it. ) I am glad that Nelmar loved it more than he did the first time he had seen the film.

What is so great about the film is that it doesn't care about its audience. It is there to tell. It is almost a feel good not feel good film. I know it sounds crazy and confusing, but you probably get the idea. It is honest.

Funny how we think how a thing can be so beautiful without truly, in a sense, understanding it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

like mr. taxi driver

In Closer (which is, by the way, a great film), the beautiful Portman was photographed by Roberts. In one of the scenes, where a photo exhibit was held, Roberts' boyfriend asked Portman what she thinks of the photograph, her own. Portman told him that it was a lie; that it was a sad person photographed beautifully so that people can consider it art.

She has a point. What she didn't realize was that not everyone shares her views on art. That there are people who find the subject, that is the picture, beautiful not because it was taken with such artistry, but because the loneliness or sadness itself was captured. The truth, and its true essence, was captured.

This is the main reason why I love dark films, like Apocalypse Now, No Country For Old Men and the likes. Because sometimes, no matter how hard I try to see the beauty of every thing, I can't help but notice the ugliness and smell the filth of this so called life.

the inconsistent

the inconsistent
he who loves

About Me

I am a writer even if I'm not. And I am a rockstar, too.