that thing

I am inlove. Not exactly inlove with a person though. I think (or feel) I'm inlove with the idea of falling inlove, of being inlove. Do you get what I mean? I guess this is one gets from watching a lot of romantic films, just like what I've been doing lately. I even bought a 20-in-1 DVD of the biggest romantic movies. It's pirated, ofcourse. I've seen Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Sense and Sensibility, Four weddings and a Funeral and yes, even My Best friend's Wedding. I must admit that I had a great time watching these movies, especially the first two. I even bought original copies of both. And I feel so fucking blessed to have been given the opportunity of watching these movies.

I thought I have given up the idea of, you know, us, at some point in time, being able to find that one person we will love for the rest of our lives- our soulmates; the one born for us and we were born for- the person that will complete us. I thought that after all the heartbreak I had been through, this idea would, and will forever remain, just be an idea.

And then I have watched these said films. Now I worry. What if that really how it goes? What if you are really meant to meet that one person who will hold your heart forever? And after all this sabbatical years you had yourself believed that none of this is true, you actually have met that person along the way. Since you have never expected for that person, and you don't believe that such a magic exists, you have ofcourse never realized that he or she is the one for you (I really hope I am making myself clear on this). The saddest part is the idea that you were meant to meet that time, and that time should have been it; that it's your one and only chance and you just blew it away. Just like that.

Then you end up being married to someone else. You know you love him or her, but you realize that there's something missing. And the shitty part is that you wouldn't be able to figure out what it is that's missing. Or probably you would. But what's the point, right? It's too late. Well, you'd tell yourself, what the fuck. I know I love this person I married. I can live with this (the situation). We have wonderful kids (if you already have any). I have a wonderful job (if you have any). And that missing thing is just bullshit. You have decided to love that person. Afterall, love is a decision (My bestfriend, and ex-girlfriend, told me this. I don't really believe it though.) But then again, you still feel it- that missing part of you. You thought you had yourself fooled but you thought wrong. What else can you do, huh? What else can you do?

Okay, I'll end this now. I'm not really sure if I am able to capture what it is I want to capture. I'm not good in writing, you know. This I have already accepted. But I just feel like I have to write about this. Actually, the truth is that I feel something I can't handle. So here I am, trying to get away from it (by writing). And no, I don't exactly know what it is I am feeling.

I guess this is one gets from watching a lot of romantic films, just like what I've been doing lately.