deja vu, but not really

I was looking for pirated dvd copies of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Persepolis (of France) and 4Months, 3 Weeks and 2 days (of Romania) last Friday night at this small stall near the building where I work at. Unfortunately, the said movies were not yet available. So I opted to TV series. I was very lucky, and very happy, to have found a season 1 copy of one of my favorite series of all time: Felicity. So that same night ('til Saturday morning) I watched it. I've realized how much I miss Felicity, and even Ben and Noel, and I'm reminded of how much I love it after watching its first 22 episodes. I was very young then when I first saw the series. I felt inlove with it right away. Now that I'm old enough, I still love it. I guess my heart never really grew old, if you get what I mean.

Anyway, the reason why I love Felicity is the fact that I can relate to it- with the story and the characters. It's nice (and I feel great) to see someone go through the same things (situations/ fuck ups) I did or I'm going through right now and commit the same mistakes I have committed (and learned from it). The idea made me feel I'm not alone, you know. And it's cool.

bad hairday

I had my hair done last night in one of the barber shops near our apartment. You see, my hair has its own life. It grows in a way it sees fit. It's uncontrolable. Funny thing is that the barber kept on asking me what I would want him to do with it (the hair). It's as if he didn't have any idea, and was propably thinking that nothing can save me from it (the hair). So I told him what I wanted (how I wanted it to be). While he was doing my hair, I can see, on the look on his face, that he was having a hard time, and that he's a bit skeptical about the whole thing. It scared me.

Now I look like (or my hair looks like that of) Javier Bardem in the movie No Country for Old Men (only mine is worse).

lesson 101

The worst thing about having a job is having one that takes all the sanity in you. I'm talking about the kind of job some people would consider better than other jobs available for grab until they experience it themselves; I'm talking about the kind of job I have.

To be quite honest, being a call center whore (Technical Support Representative) isn't the hardest job there is. It isn't hard at all in the first place. But it isn't something I love doing. Imagine, I have been in this job for more than a year. It's like committing suicide, I mean being in this job this long, except that it doesn't kill me, literally. It's killing me in a different way; in a way I'd rather not go through, if I really have a choice. So why stick with this job, right? Well, what else can I have? I can't choose now. There are no choices available anyway. In a country such as ours, one needs to have a college degree for him/her to get a job he/she really wants. And just as fucked as life can be, sometimes, one, even with a college diploma, end up working in fast food chains and call centers. I don't have anything against these people though (hey, I'm one of them.) If they're happy with what they are doing, I'm happy for them. It's just that I think they deserve something better.

I may be earning 'enough'; I may be able to provide for my family and buy things for myself, but I'm losing a part of me. A big part of me. In times like this, I have realized that money isn't really everything; Happiness and contentment are. And being able to still have respect to your own self isn't something money can buy.

So if you happen to read this, try to do things that makes you happy. I don't mean things that you 'think' can make you happy, okay? If you really have to find a high paying job, then do it. Just don't turn yourself back from that very thing that keeps you complete, and that which makes you YOU.

typing 101

What can be more beautiful than a romantic love story is another love story. A love story that is not determined by how much the other party makes you feel nervous, intoxicated and a little high at times (a mixture of these and some others); of how much a person can make you heart go to a series of never ending thud, thud, thud (...it goes on and on.) The kind of love story I'm referring here is similar to that of what friends share, that of a father and his kid/s have - these sort of things. And I'm not at all talking about sexual relationship or incest here, okay? It's a whole lot different from what I have been meaning to write about, for crying out loud.

What makes this kind of love story better than that mentioned above is the fact that it does not consider looks (you're an asshole if you're looking for a good-looking friend) as one of the fundamentals of the relationship (and a factor to get into a relationship with someone.) So you can consider it pure and, at the same time, real.

What am I trying to say (write) here? I don't know. Maybe none, really. I just feel like typing.

long and winding, indeed

This is my favorite song, ever. This applies to almost every aspect of my life: to writing, to those assholes, who, apparently, just came to my life to teach me something (and sadly, they meant just to teach), and to Him.

It's hard when you're in a situation that the very thing you can't do is to turn away. You can, and the hurting would stop. Only that, in truth, it wouldn't. And you know that, has always known that. So you end up taking that road, traveling it, hoping that someday, you'll get there.

******

I heard Regine was sick when she did this. I'm glad she was. It made the song sound heartfelt. She made herself sound like she's not her. And it worked beautifully.

pre-work exercise

Last night, before heading back to Manila for work, I went to my old [former] school (not that I'm in a new one right now) with one of my closest friends, Angus. It was the Ikatlong Gawad Digmaang Rosas Literary Awards Night (organized by The Angelite, the official student publication of Holy Angel University. ) My friend Angus had submitted an entry to the said competition. I came there to give him moral support.

As expected, he grabbed the Angelite Fictionist of the Year award (The entries were judged by a Palanca-winner poet from UST.) I am very proud of him, and am happy that he won. This is the second time he had won the award. I had the opportunity of being one the first people to have read his entries (short stories and poems.) When I laid eyes on his works, I knew right away that he would win; I was certain about it.

Some say that it takes a writer to know one. I say, not really. One doesn't have to be a good writer to recognize one, and to be able to appreciate what we consider as good writing.

*******

Congratulations Angs! You so deserve it. Keep on writing.

another year

Time is running so fast that all we can do is watch it pass through us.

just once?

Music can act. Watch Once, one of my favorite films, to know how. But it's not just the music that makes this movie engaging, blame it to its very simple yet beautiful story and its naturally gifted actors. The movie is a natural. It makes me feel guilty of watching it in pirated copy. I'm not sure if this had been shown here already. If not yet, then I'll certainly watch it again, and I'll buy a dvd of it- by that time, an original- once it becomes available.

I consider this movie special because before I became a movie and book addict, I was a music lover. I thought I have forgotten it, but I guess first love, really, never dies. You just need to be reminded of it once in awhile to know that it really doesn't.

Tagline: How often do you find the right person? ONCE

So it's really up to us, huh? Sigh.

whine up

I was born a whiner. I complain a lot. Sometimes I just keep it to myself, the whining. It's not that I am afraid people will hate me for it, it's because I find it a bit tiring already. Most of the time I feel so fucked up by life that all I can do is just let it fuck me some more, I end up enjoying it. But really, if you think about it, I'm not the only one in this world whose life has been a mess since the very day of existence. There are those who had endured much than I have. There are those who were deprived of education, a home, a right, love or even parents. Yet, inspite of these, I still have the nerve to complain about my own life. Only this time I not only complain about mine but those of others as well. This is how life humors me.

that thing

I am inlove. Not exactly inlove with a person though. I think (or feel) I'm inlove with the idea of falling inlove, of being inlove. Do you get what I mean? I guess this is one gets from watching a lot of romantic films, just like what I've been doing lately. I even bought a 20-in-1 DVD of the biggest romantic movies. It's pirated, ofcourse. I've seen Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Sense and Sensibility, Four weddings and a Funeral and yes, even My Best friend's Wedding. I must admit that I had a great time watching these movies, especially the first two. I even bought original copies of both. And I feel so fucking blessed to have been given the opportunity of watching these movies.

I thought I have given up the idea of, you know, us, at some point in time, being able to find that one person we will love for the rest of our lives- our soulmates; the one born for us and we were born for- the person that will complete us. I thought that after all the heartbreak I had been through, this idea would, and will forever remain, just be an idea.

And then I have watched these said films. Now I worry. What if that really how it goes? What if you are really meant to meet that one person who will hold your heart forever? And after all this sabbatical years you had yourself believed that none of this is true, you actually have met that person along the way. Since you have never expected for that person, and you don't believe that such a magic exists, you have ofcourse never realized that he or she is the one for you (I really hope I am making myself clear on this). The saddest part is the idea that you were meant to meet that time, and that time should have been it; that it's your one and only chance and you just blew it away. Just like that.

Then you end up being married to someone else. You know you love him or her, but you realize that there's something missing. And the shitty part is that you wouldn't be able to figure out what it is that's missing. Or probably you would. But what's the point, right? It's too late. Well, you'd tell yourself, what the fuck. I know I love this person I married. I can live with this (the situation). We have wonderful kids (if you already have any). I have a wonderful job (if you have any). And that missing thing is just bullshit. You have decided to love that person. Afterall, love is a decision (My bestfriend, and ex-girlfriend, told me this. I don't really believe it though.) But then again, you still feel it- that missing part of you. You thought you had yourself fooled but you thought wrong. What else can you do, huh? What else can you do?

Okay, I'll end this now. I'm not really sure if I am able to capture what it is I want to capture. I'm not good in writing, you know. This I have already accepted. But I just feel like I have to write about this. Actually, the truth is that I feel something I can't handle. So here I am, trying to get away from it (by writing). And no, I don't exactly know what it is I am feeling.

I guess this is one gets from watching a lot of romantic films, just like what I've been doing lately.

idiot box with morons

I hate politics and politicking that when I am about to see news with politicians on it, especially someone from the opposition side, I would normally want to throw up. I hate it when they lambast the current administration, as if they have done something worthy themselves. Shame. But worst thing they can do is to display their stupidity on national television. Just like what your Senator Trillanes and his colleague have done just recently. That particular incident when they invaded The Pen (which is in Makati). I understand that you want the government to know how much an unsatisfied citizen and government official you are. But do you really have to take control of the whole hotel - the same thing you did before with another, which is also located in Makati - where there are a lot of people, whose safety might be jeopardized of a possible forced take over of the military of the said building? Did you know that the whole Ayala Ave. has been closed because of what you and your guys did, and the hassle it caused the public? I also understand your hunger for media exposure. Everybody understands that. But if you really hate the President and the people who work for her, hire someone to kill them, because I assure you nothing will happen if you just stick with your stupid tactics. At least you will have a better reason to be jailed by that time, and your superiors might surely become very proud and fond of you, for that matter. Now, about the media exposure thing, why not ask your equally stupid acquaintance, Jamby, to divorce his husband and make sex videos together. That would surely be phenomenal. But is divorce already available here? Is she married in the first place? Or you guys can do it in Luneta, just to add a shade of patriotism to it.

And Senator, being patriotic is different from being moronic. Just a reminder. Although they sound almost alike.

this is not a movie review

I am Sam.

This movie made me realized I can still cry like a baby, and that I'm actually still human.

I just happened to watch the movie yesterday, for the first time (shame on me). I think it was shown in 2001; that's six fucking years before I was able to laid eyes on this wonderful, heartwarming film. And if I remember it correctly, I actually planned of seeing it when it first came out. I don't know what happened though or what hinder me from seeing it (six years + memory gap, not suprising). Prior to watching last night, I have heard a lot of good things about it. And i didn't see anything but good in this movie.

I was watching ASAP yesterday. I was planning to do some reading after that but Dodong (housemate) asked me if I wanted to watch a movie (on dvd). I sure did, so I asked him if he has a copy of Crash (Brokeback Mountain should have won the Oscars! hehe) or Cassanova (it's solely for Heath Ledger - one of my favorite actors). It turned out that he doesnt have copy of both. So I thought of something else. He recommended a few, which he happened to have watched already but I heart I am Sam. So we settled with it.

I was literally crying while watching the movie, beginning to end. I don't see anything wrong with crying over a movie though. It's just that I was crying even while watching it with other people. I am an emotional bastard but I'm not the showy type. So it surprised me that I didn't mind crying that time; I didn't mind what Dodong and his sister Beng would think about it. I just wanted to cry so bad, I would die by just merely thinking of holding those tears.

The story is about a mentally-challenged (retarted - mental/intellectual capacity that of a 7 year old kid) father who, inspite his condition, fought for his daughter from being taken away by the Department of Child and Family Services. It's a story of a father who knew little about almost everything, but knows how to love his daughter big time. It pains me to see Sam being hurt, because you see not a man, but a 7 year-old kid being hurt. Sean Penn is such a good actor for having been able to portray the character of Sam beautifully. And I just love Dakota Fanning. She is so adorable. Michelle Pfeiffer did a wonderful job as well.

This is another story that shows the wonders of love. It tells us that love, most often than not, is all we need.

*******
Excerpt from the movie I am Sam (c/o http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0277027/quotes)

Lucy: Daddy, did God made for you to be like this or was it an accident?
Sam: Ok, what do you mean?
Lucy: I mean you're different.
Sam: But what do you mean?
Lucy: You're not like other daddies.
Sam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Lucy: It's ok, daddy. It's ok. Don't be sorry. I'm lucky. Nobody else's daddy ever comes to the park.
Sam: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, we are lucky. Aren't we lucky? Yeah!

*******

Lucy: I won't read the word!
Sam: I'm your father and I'm telling you to read the word. Cause I can tell you to because I'm your father.
Lucy: I'm stupid.
Sam: You are not stupid!
Lucy: Yes, I am.
Sam: No, you are not stupid 'cause you can read that word.
Lucy: I don't wanna read it if you can't.
Sam: No, because it makes me happy! It makes me happy hearing you read. Yeah, it makes me happy when you're reading.
Lucy: [Lucy reads again]

*******

conversations II

Blogging wasn't on my plan for today, except that I don't really have any plans at all to begin with, and I am not the kind who plans things ahead. I would want this day to be peaceful, that I don't want the agony of writing (or thinking of what to write ) to spoil it. I kept myself busy browsing, reading other people's blogs, eating hotdog sandwiches and taking few calls (I work in a call center).

Today, I had my lunch with friends at the pantry (which I don't normally do). We were watching TV while eating (The tv was already on when we went there). The channel was set to ETC and Ambush Makeover was being shown.

While watching TV, a friend asked why is it that nobody's perfect (This had something to do with the program we were watching). I thought of it for awhile, only to realize that I don't exactly know why, and find the question rather difficult. So instead of answering, I asked her a question as well. I asked what perfection is for her (how she defines it). She didn't answer. I didn't know what to answer either if someone would ask me the same question.

I just ended the conversation uttering these exact words: "I think being perfect is imperfection itself."

I don't really know how to explain it (though i can try explaining it, if necessary) but it sounded really good, I admired myself for a second for having said it.

it's a holiday... so?

Today is a holiday but I am at the office working. What's new, right? This is one of the things I hate about working in a call center. You always work, even on holidays (even on Christmas and New Year). Last year I was very lucky to had been scheduled to report to work on Christmas and New Year's day. The former I have attended. I just pretended to have forgotten I had to report to work for the latter. For that, a memo had been served. I didn't really care. Atleast I enjoyed.

tuesday with nothing.

Another boring day and my stomach is already complaining. I want to take my lunch break but it's too early for that. It's only 5:44 am and I have to stay here until 12:30 pm. If I take my lunch this early, I will have to expose myself to the possibility of endless calls (and call flow) for a solid six hours. That isn't something nice to look forward to. That would mean killing myself - in a way worse than suicide bombing. Imagine that.

Guess I have to settle with the art of toggling (see: concept of queue in a call center context) for a while, until I can tell myself I already had enough.

rush-ing

I called my sister last night because I've been longing to hear Thea's voice. Good thing they were still awake. I was able to have a little chat with her. Man, it made my day complete. I told her how much I miss her and she said she misses me too. After that little chat we had, I swear I was almost certain of getting myself on a bus to Pampanga.

4:14 am

I know it's too early for blogging, but I don't have anything better to do right now. I don't want to kill myself with boredom. I sometimes have the tendency, just to let you know, of being brain dead for a minute, especially when I'm at work (which is the case right now). Although I have a copy of The Shipping News (Annie Proulx) with me, I can't seem to like the idea of reading. Atleast not this time. Not today. To go sleep is what I want to do. But I can't, ofcourse. So I thought of just blogging.

I was thinking about the comment my friend shared with one of my entries here. He wrote that in writing, grammar isn't everything. Though I know he didn't mean that grammar isn't important at all. He advised not to concern myself so much with it, that it would eventually improve itself if I just continue to write. What is important is I am able to express what there is to express. And I think he's right. Afterall, I created this (the blog) as a channel for self-expression.

And it actually feels good to write without worrying so much about grammar.

Now I have a better excuse for committing grammatical errors.

brokenhearted

I'm still not feeling well. Still brokenhearted from watching Brokeback Mountain yesterday. I even had a hard time getting myself to sleep last night. I also got a copy of the book yesterday. Just like the movie, the book just broke my heart (which should be the case since the movie is based on it, duh). I hope i'll get over it soon.

But honestly, i kind of like the feeling. I mean, what i'm feeling right now.

a true love story

Just done watching Brokeback Mountain on the net. Twice. And all I can say is, omg! I sure have seen a lot of good movies but this one really knocked me off. God, I couldn't believe how beautiful it is.

When it first came out, I promised myself I would watch it. And i can't remember what really happened, why I wasn't able to catch it then. But hell to that!

Good thing I was able to see it today. Twice. This movie is one of the best movies I've ever seen in my entire life. And you know what, I think it's the best. Yeah, it took the top spot on my list. And as i'm typing this, I am having a hard time thinking of the right word to describe the movie. It's too beautiful that words would not be able to describe it's beauty.

I know that it's a bit controversial, the movie, especially to those who are not really used to this kind of topic. But it's real. It's just that we, most often than not, refuse to see the truth. Is it because of fear, or us, just being judgmental, I don't know. What I do know is that the kind of set up, or that kind of affair we saw in the movie really does exist.

Most of us are waiting for the right person. The one. Someone who will complete us. And there are some who can't just settle waiting, that they even go out looking for that one person. But what if that someone, that one person who can make you happy for the rest of your life, isn't someone you expected him/her to be? And what if that person is someone you can't have, someone you know you shouldn't love. But what if you know that if you can't have that someone, you'll never be completely happy or just be happy at all? These are the thoughts I've been thinking after watching the film.

This movie breaks my heart to the level I couldn't take any longer. Sad. Heartbreaking. Imagine the feeling of wanting to see, hold and kiss someone who isn't there any longer; who will never be there. Forever. And the saddest part is the realization that you are meant to love that someone until the very last beat of your heart.

I don't feel good right now. I need some re-focusing done. Help, anyone?

the notebook on mute

I am currently watching the notebook, on mute. Not so much because I prefer watching it without sounds, but because I'm at work. And browsing is definitely a no-no here. With the kind of work we have though, it's impossible not to browse. It's either you take the risk of being caught and a possible memo (once caught browsing non work-related sites, you'll be reprimanded and by second offense, you'll be suspended) or be brain dead. The former seems less harmful. Yesterday, we were so bored that we asked our teammate, bern, for websites where we can watch movies online. The first one he suggested, months ago, isn't working any longer, or should I say, non-existent anymore.

This is the first time i see this movie. Lots of my friends have been telling me that the movie is a good one, as well as the book. I think I just didn't have a heart, during those times, for anything romantic. Yesterday, pretty (she insisted on this one) Lou was watching it while I was in ergo proxy. She actually love the movie and was suggesting for me to watch it. I was so into the anime, which , as mentioned in one of my entries here, is freakin' amazing, that I didn't mind her.

So today is the day.

The idea of watching a movie on mute may conjure craziness but what the heck, I don't have much of a choice.

Although I'm watching the movie on mute, I can still feel what the characters might have been feeling that would have otherwise been evident with the dialogue itself. The love Noah and Allie have for each other feels like a grip on a pounding heart (I hope I am able to describe it the way I really wanted to describe it). Something one's heart could not contain because it's too overwhelming. They may have, each, fallen in love with a different person but the love they always have for each other never died. And that I think you can really call real. Yeah, it must be what others refer to as real.

So I fell in love with the movie. The romance. It makes me want to fall in love. Sigh